I want to be pregnant …but I don't want to be a parent

Guestpost by Cassie Robertson

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Photo by Emily DeWan.

I'm slightly obsessed with pregnancy — I even scared friends and family by reading What to Expect When You're Expecting when I was 14. I was 20 when my biological clock's alarm started ringing, and no one was surprised when I spent my birthday gift card on The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. I have a birth plan in place, know that I want to use a birthing center instead of a hospital, and I drink my morning coffee while watching Birth Day. This offbeat reader wants to be pregnant like WHOA. Here's the tricky part: I do NOT want kids.

I look at pregnant women with envy; I look at mothers with pity. Don't ask me how I managed to wired this way. I promise, I'm odd in other ways too. So how does a proudly Child-Free woman cope with the desire to get pregnant? It took me a while to find the answer: surrogacy.

It's perfect. I get to have my cake and give it away as soon as it cries. But wouldn't you know it, surrogacy isn't as easy as you might think.

I was 20 when I first looked into surrogacy. I joined the websites, learned the lingo, and quickly learned that I was ineligible to join any surrogacy agency. First, I am seriously overweight and second, I've never had a child.

I do understand why those things are a problem. Being overweight can cause some serious pregnancy complications and, as an untried surrogate, who knows if I even can get pregnant? Plus, everyone swears that I'll change my mind about wanting kids when I feel the baby kick. I smile, shrug, and say "Maybe." (I know other Child-free women can relate to that!)

So now, at 23, I've decide to tackle the first of the reasons why I can't be a surrogate. I've changed the way I eat and the way I work out. I have a lot to go still, but my desire to get pregnant is stronger than my desire for ice cream.

It's pretty rough knowing that. I wonder, are there other women like me out there? Women who want to change their bodies to put their bodies through hell and then give away the prize? Most people who know about my desire to be a surrogate either think I'm crazy, I'll change my mind as I age, or they just plain don't understand. Trying to explain a biological, emotional decision is nearly impossible.

I take pregnancy tests with a mix of thoughts ranging from "This is a waste of money. You're NOT pregnant" to "God, what if it's positive?" to "Please be positive."

As every reader on this site knows, pregnancy is an incredibly emotional process. I promise you, it is no different for me. I don't want kids, so I take the pill, but then I hope that an accident will occur and I'll get pregnant. I don't WANT to deal with an accidental pregnancy and be forced to choose between adoption and raising a child, but it would take care of that "never had a child" problem, wouldn't it?

The less logical side of me is very tempted by that idea. I take pregnancy tests with a mix of thoughts ranging from "This is a waste of money. You're NOT pregnant" to "God, what if it's positive?" to "Please be positive." I don't tell people about these feelings much because I already know that they don't really get it. Can I blame them? Even on this offbeat site I've never read about a wannabe surrogate mother.

People will still think I'm crazy when they hear my story, but what does that matter? A friend of mine wants children but can't have them. She's asked me to be her surrogate when we're both ready. She's going to be an amazing mother and isn't that what surrogacy is all about? If I get to fulfill a dream of mine in the process, then that's just a great bonus.

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About Cassie Robertson

When she isn't obsessing over pregnancy, Cassie enjoys working on her yet-to-be published Shakespeare books. She lives with a stubborn cat and more books than she can count.